Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I know it is a bit early to be writing you, seeing as how Thanksgiving is two days away, but considering we saw you at the mall this last weekend I guess you are getting a head start on the holidays so I thought I would too.

Speaking of seeing you at the mall, I first want to apologize for the fact that my children are still terrified of you. They really do like you - just as long as you stay at the North Pole or don't come within 100 feet of them. Don't worry they will be asleep when you come Christmas Eve as I am sure you don't want to hear those ear piercing shrieks of terror again.

But on to my list. I have only a couple of things I want this year and this long notice surely will give you plenty of time to put them under my tree.

I am sure (since you are Santa Claus after all) remember how for Christmas in 2004 I splurged on those really expensive jeans that made my ass look like a super model's. Then remember two short months later I got pregnant? Well I have worked so hard to lose all that baby weight but somewhere between giving birth to 2 kids within 15 months of each other and 4 years of motherhood my hips seemed to have widened a bit. The hip widening was a bit unneccesary considering I never actually used said birthing hips to actually give birth so I was hoping that you could find a way to sort of move them back to their original state. I wore those jeans like 5 times (I really don't want to do the math on the per wear use) and I REALLY want to wear them again. I can't bare to actually get rid of them and they are taking up valuable drawer space so if you could just fit me in them again that would be wonderful.

In a similar vein I would like you to make pizza and ice cream fat free.

I would also like one, just one, night where I sleep 8 consecutive hours in a row without being woken up by a snoring husband, a child's nightmare or insanely loud trip to the bathroom, a dog deciding my head makes a good pillow or a personal trip to the bathroom (a remnant of pregnancy that really needs to go away now).

Finally, I would like my memory back. I seem to have misplaced it and can't remember (ha) where I put it. I don't need to have a Rain Man memory but just enough so I avoid spending 4 hours tearing my house apart looking for my son's mittens only to discover that I sent them with him to school in his backpack. I want to remember where I put my cell phone and my keys on a daily basis. (I am embarrassed each month to look at my phone bill and see how many times I have actually called my cell to find it.) And I want to remember, someone's anyone's, name at school instead of constantly referring to people as "Anna's Mom" or "Finn's Dad" - it sort of makes me look like a tool.

Thanks Santa - can't wait for all my wonderful presents and I will leave you some cookies and liquor by the chimney - that is, if I remember.

Sincerely,

me